Saturday, 22 September 2007
I need to digest some book as i think i've been lacking of nutrients in my self thi king brain.I would like to read a book and get lost in the beautiful plot or maybe even write one myself. I wish there was this amazing machine where I feed it with my ideas and story lines and characters' names and it generates, like a thick novel about a dead grandmother, carnival kids, a memory box, an avenging sister, betrayal, star-crossed lovers, random aesthetics, bus rides, a homosexual cousin. Honest love prevailing, an ending which involves star-gazing, getting lost in a castle maze and a villain who will come back for more.
Just wanna scream to the atmosphere.I'm missing someone but i can't seem to figure out the name.fuck im toking crap.Recently,things between me n Hazim arnt going well.There's just isnt any chemistry between us anymore..or issit could be the cause of third party?"I swear i'm not gonna fall for the new comer."or am i just fighting against myself?
I spend too much and I sleep too little because oh well, sleep is now an unfamiliar act which chooses to drift above my head, burden my posture, and tease my eyes without ever seeming to commit. Been listening to Bloc Party pretty excessively but I wouldn't call myself an Indie Snob. Morning is here and the sky looks pretty I could almost eat it up. I could write a couple more paragraphs but I am lying on my stomach and it's wearing me out.. Pack up my eyes and dream and I'm sorry if I didn't treat you like an angel because that's exactly what you are. Oh God, give me meaning.
00:53
Sunday, 26 August 2007
Dear Diary,Hi. Time check - 6:08 AM and it's a Sunday. My abnormal sleeping pattern is making a comeback but I don't seem to be amused at all.From my perch I observed the lunar scenery that my eyes made them look as if they move and swerve, move and swerve before getting to sleep after a 'Forever goodbye' with fifiq.im sorry mum.But apparently it's not approved.I'm just a miserable 15 year old girl.In life,theres certain things you have to choose.
Did i missed out something?somehow i felt i did.
I wrote a poem yesterday,the day before and another.I know it left me an impact to what i'm abnormally not.i used to hate poems,sweet talks..It gives me the creeps.But somehow,i shall not go any furthr.A week feels like a decade.
oh.Fyi,Hazim is jus a fren now.
I cant sleep so i decide to idle,trawling Friendster and same old shit-idiot hu cant spell.Shasaliana,her x frenster too..urgh!i hate it wen my conversation comes around,back to where i satrted.It's not cool.
I'm listening to damn old song,you know where it goes"Alwaes ther forever you and me,that's the way our life should be."Somehow i feel calm listening to it repeatedly.
Esplanade and suntec trip was great especially wit him beside.It seems more like a couple day out than a group somewhat after someone came at arnd 5.There were mira,yat,nifa,'D__L',me n Fifiq.Sadly,my they fetch me earlier than them and tats so lame.I never thought it would be our last meet up too.I should have steal his hug if i knew earlier it's gonna happen. :(
that's not cool.
We actually rush looking fer mummy's birthday cake,after the news of them gnna fetch me in about 20min times and its not easy to look fer perfect cake there kay.Not forgetting leaving fren.Im sorry guys.So Gloria Jeans caught my view and bought the cake there.'Royal Choclate' is what it's called.That cost 45 bx.He patiently helped me.There i go again.I can't help comforting myself bout him.Or issit jus that memories are still fresh?
OK done.
How I wonder. Would it be scary or just cool to run a lighthouse all by yourself? Scary at first thought. I would probably play emoxscreamo to shut out whatever scary noises or thoughts.
06:07
Monday, 16 July 2007
Imy!imy!I jus couldnt help it..its lyke my drug wit my name choped on it.So i mean,a post wont do any harm,won't it?I have tis choclate tim tam staring at me now...I won't eat!I won't eat!:( ive been opening and closing the frige since i came back home.I don't really feel hungry tho ive not been eating since morn.Cos nthng to eat.This is wad happen when u mnotnsly dnt.You think u r hungry but u r not.It is said that your mind are stronger than ur physical body.okay.I am typing this but I have a different conversation in my head. It feels crazy. My stomach is empty but my heart is full.
Teenagers nowadays are high on drugs,smokes and all sort of 'cool trying to be'stuff but im making a huge,huge plan.Job?hu'd ever thot of it?i noe it sound impossible.Yeah..im thinking of lying hard on the streets with no disturbants.Interview will be forwrd till fri.All thnx to Him.Congrats i jus shit on my own face.Ppl finds it crazy to be crying and bathing in skool b4 heading home.But hu cares?I don't.If Britney could walk arnd the house naked,y cant i bold myself?
What if and what if.
I wonder what happens when you remove yourself from the usual way you've been living for 4 months and it still politely waits for you? This is beyond me. You fall in love when you're not even prepared, you do something which you can never claim or admit. You don't even know when is he going to finish what he started, and always so quick to believe, you read into the stares and the hugs faster than the world counting loudly from one to ten.
Ive jus watched 'Cinta pertama'.I'm more emotional than i ever think i am.Oh stop being such a baby.Right now McSpicy is wad exactly on my mind.I shuld jus walk for ten minutes.You noe,when im hungry,i wuld divert myself wit anything stupid.Sticks on wall upside down or wad so ever.
Verses after verses, your hypocrisy still echoes the loudest among all. Slow down and hold up, no one's listening, honey. You know you're fucked.
18:02
Saturday, 7 July 2007
Since wriiting on blog only creates more prob,imma put a stop and let it go free..thr goes my pill for my mental illnesess..Let alone it stae within me..ive left a place for it to stae somewhr in me,lock hard,threw the key away,for long...
So long and goodbye.
23:16
Can u sleep soundly without air goes into ur lung?
23:06
Friday, 6 July 2007
Alright, I give up. Still can't sleep, still can't sleep, still can't sleep. Weird, the caffeine at home which I always take didn't use to be so strong before. Or is it just my thoughts that have me wide awake. I would like to think this is a common occurence but something's holding me back, can't exactly put my finger on it.So i decided to post again as writting is much cheaper than therapy.Its wad is said.
Okay..Me n my mum has been okay since after dinner..Tis left me some confusion.AT times shes okay and i can gurntee tat we r NT gna hve probs again.its been happening since daes ago.Im not sure why.watever.I dont want to damage my brain thinking bout it 24hr without rest.
Tomorrow's plan will be going to Alysa's birthday party ALONE.Bot this choc called Belgian tat cost me 10 bux or more.Not me actually,my Dad's.I'll jus rap it later i guess.
I am repeating the songs we used to hear together. I can't sleep, I have to wake up at 6, and it's another sleepless night although my eyes are begging to rest. I am hungry a little.Today I realise that I don't put much efforts in friendships. I don't know how to go about doing it and right at this very second, I am thinking of McDonalds. Fuck I won't eat I won't eat. And And i think i need a course on sleeping cos ciriously,i am having a bad irregular and abnormal sleeping hour.
Something just cross my mind and reminded me of it.It's been long since this eyes met with his.Oh i miss Hazim :)
(A Bitch)Talking bout Fateness,wad am i?Your invisible muhfucker admirer's girlfiieeeey?From this moment,i regard u as my Top list arch-angel permanantly.Congrats!Find ur own DICK Girl.Stay out.
I can't stand rude people who thinks they can shoot their mouths off everywhere they go and still be worshipped. Idiocy breeds in your puny brain when you do that very often, bitches. These kind of people, I venture to presume, are too stupid to even live, let alone breathe the same air as us, the people of a higher class who knows what we are made of and partake in some introspection before putting people down. And when you're at the losing end, you kick the people around you so let me tell you, the first person you should kick is yourself. That is the classic idiot move, or I could help. Why don't I just ram my whole fist into your eye sockets? I promise I will be gentle! Oh, shut up, good-for-nothing Boyfriend stealer. I am not even angry, I am just sick. Are we all done with people who smell crotches for a living and hates people who are better off than them? Ohh...make it snappy, I can't stand these STD-smelling dimwits.
I know this makes the second post in less than 8 hours, but my fingers feels so alive, they just want to stamp every button on the keyboard, just for the sake of doing it.
Bye, I am sleeping already although it's not even 12 yet. Urgh, I feel so uncool.
23:15
So is this the time where I apologise for the lack of updates to interested readers who check this space regularly in hopes of finding a new entry, only to be disappointed? Well, sorry but I don't really feel sorry.. whatever....Its just tat...yeah my mum found it...so..tis diary tat was meant to kip all my secret has no longer become my "ALL secret,diary".
Yest went to KK fer my appointment and and they did tis heart check thingy on me and they found out tat i actually got a low rate and slow heart beat..yeah..nowander been complaining bout my aching after evry dinner..so they put tis device tat sticks on my chest..it looked lyke those shocking machine tat used fer those hus unconcious..and i have to wear it fer 24hr!oh gosh!and i cant exert myself too much..NOT FUN!so i guess i wont be living for long lyke others will..by the tyme my heart wont be able to pump.. :( Im ma miss this world by then..
oh tat Ardy is jus too annoying to be loved..he gives his shitty reasons thinking tat i will believe his werds tis tyme.you're choking on this. You don't know where your dependency lies. Eat those words back, the demons in your head will come round again.You've made a mess and now you're sorry but sometimes, guilt is not even close to enough. Open your eyes and realise on every morning you rise, that now you're on your own, kid.
Sori to my mum rili..bout writting bout her in here..i was mentally retard at tat point of tyme..
I don't feel empty, maybe a little happy, maybe a little sick.
13:57